Often times, when talking to comedians that I know or don't know, I will find them saying:
"Doesn't Dane Cook suck?"
Or some variation thereof. Dane Cook has become the current default person to go to to define "terrible comedian." However, in asking people who make the comment that Dane Cook sucks, if they had listened to one of his albums, they usually say "no," or "Why the hell would I do that?"
It got me to thinking that I myself I had not listened to one of his albums in it's entirety, only listening to one routine here and there. I hadn't liked what I little I had heard, but I decided that I would listen to an entire album by Dane Cook and see exactly how much Dane Cook sucked, or see if perhaps, my hatred of Dane Cook was unjustified, black was white, and dogs were imaginary.
I asked one of the few friends of mine who likes Dane Cook what album I should listen to to get a proper sampling of his work. He told me that all of his albums were equally "Dane Cook-y" so I decided to go with his first album, Harmful if Swallowed.
I was going to write a standard review of the album, but after listening to the album, I thought it would be more---informative to simply post the notes I took as I listened to the album for the first time.
So, here they are:
Trepidation at starting.
"Harmful if Swallowed" - title suggests Dane Cook is poison.
Track 1: Intro
Wonder if applause is all women. Sounds like.
Cook asks audience to applaud for retarded crap.
Track 2: Parking Structure
Cook starts talking about parking structure. Makes horrific sound like the screaming of lost souls as a reference to the squealing sound a car makes moving around a parking structure. Keeps making sound. Have to turn volume down. Asks people to applaud the joke. Starts to do the joke again.
Track 3: Umm, Hellllo?
Talks about driving and a man about to merge into his lane. Shouting.
Makes derogatory statement about Chinese with screaming of lost souls.
Dane Cook laughs like Butthead of "Beavis and Butthead" fame.
Nobody has a pen when you get into an accident according to Cook. Proceeds to make annoying act out about people not having pens and panicking like nobody ever does. Makes the comment that people who write out information when exchanging information cannot write legibly.
Apparently Dane Cook thinks everyone tends to shout everything and repeat it over and over again.
Track 4: Car Accident
Listening to Dane Cook is starting to make me think retarded.
Makes acceptable observation that people are obsessed with car accidents and will hope to hear a crash when hearing tires screech. People will run out of their houses without shoes to see an accident. Only chuckle thus far.
Track 5: Tire in the Face
Title of track "Tire in the Face" is what Dane Cook keeps repeating.
Talks about car accident on TV.
Makes Highlander reference.
Makes comment that saying someone was killed by a tire in the face would be a hilarious thing to say. Not hilarious.
Track 6: Would You Rather...
Tracks seem to be very short. Oh, here's one that's six minutes.
Talks about punching bees in the face. Cook wonders how bees could possibly kill people. Wonders why sharks attack at all. Dane Cook does not understand nature.
Dane Cook = dumb
Talks about man surviving shark attack. Whole topic seems to be an excuse for Dane Cook to shout and make noises.
Cook talks about drowning. I want Dane Cook to drown.
Scenarios he describes do not happen in reality - only in sitcoms.
Makes comment about being burned by hot pots. Three stooges?
Puts forth the the scenario "What if someone lit a pool on fire while you dove underwater and then left a space open where if you surface a fat man punches you in the face."
Dane Cook stop yelling, you have a microphone and speakers.
Track 7: Fireman & Policeman & Miniature Golf Security Guard
Talks about cops shooting guy for eating a pear that they thought was a grenade.
I would like Dane Cook to eat a grenade.
Track 8: The BK Lounge
Dane Cook worked at Burger King and called it the "BK Lounge." Should still be working there.
Talks about how annoying it was to have people yell into the drive-through microphone when he was working the window. Fucking irony. Uses story to shout into the microphone.
16 more tracks. I think I hate Dane Cook even more now.
Dane Cook doing sultry, sexy woman voice is fucking horrifying.
Tells story about woman not knowing where to go in a drive through. Hrn?
Track 9: Pregnant Lady
Cook talks to pregnant woman in the audience. Asks if she still fucks. Cook talks about how he started jerking off in the womb.
Audience thinks this is funny? What???
Track 10: Five Sisters
Cook informs us he had five sisters.
Cook tends to do act-outs where any issue turns into an excuse for him to be really loud.
Track 11: Slip 'n' Bleed
Recalls how if there was rocks under a "Slip and Slide" he would call it "Slip and Bleed" adding "From the anus." I always slid belly down. Maybe Dane Cook just wanted to say "from the anus?" MAYBE
Track 12: Speak 'n' Spell
Most tracks are less than two minutes. Good. Maybe Dane Cook fan would feel ripped off at this. Then again maybe attention span of Dane Cook fan is short. Don't know.
He does this impression of a Speak and Spell with screaming and distorted voice that sounds like the world ending. Speak and Spell did have a distorted voice, but not a horrifying loud voice.
Track 13: Operation - Monopoly
Mentions the guy in the game "Operation" had no visible penis and how he must tuck it in.
Who are the morons in the audience?
Dane cook talks about tucking his own penis in to fool his girlfriend, who surprises him with revealing her own penis.
Makes observation that everyone gets sick after Monopoly after a while of playing it. That's true. Can't get penis tucking image out of head.
Track 14: Don't Tickle Me
Cook talks about tickling and how it leads to not breathing and screaming and I want him to die.
Track 15: Bathroom
Making note of how people write "Mike is a Faggot" whenever someone writes "Mike was here" or someone else of a similar name.
Track 16: Pranks
Cook describing practical jokes to do. Shit.
Talks about "joke" of standing close to people in airports and telling them "not to get on the flight." How is that clever? How is that not just being a dick?
Another "joke" - pretend to be a bank robber in line. Ask person in line ahead "how do you spell 'I'm going to fucking kill you?'" While writing note. Want Dane Cook to be sent to Federal Prison.
Suggests "joke" of telling woman in a bar "Are you going to walk by yourself to your car later?" Women in audience laugh and don't leave immediately? Maybe all these would be funny in some alternate dimension?
Track 17:Fuk and the Finga
Dane Cook talks about the sound of the word 'Fuck' similar to a George Carlin routine I heard once, except Carlin was articulate. Cook goes on to say the word Fuck over and over.
I dub him Retard King.
Track 18: Just Wanna Dance
Cook about how guys go dancing only because women like to dance. Grinding penis on women. Lots of women in audience still. Oh so many women want to fuck Dane Cook. Those poor women.
Talks about music at club being too loud. Proceeds to act-out the music really loud. I feel like someone needs to give Dane Cook a juicebox, cookie, and nap-time.
I hate Dane Cook.
Suggests name of bar of "T.G.I. Lick My Pussy."
Please destroy world.
Track about wanting blowjobs.
Cook talks about having sex.
I might have a stroke.
Not even going to make a note of what he was talking about.
Him and Ashton Kutcher should do a buddy movie in which they attempt to solve people's problems by being fucking morons and die in a trash compactor.
Track 20: Nightmare
Track about nightmares. Dane Cook's nightmares.
Dane Cook has nightmare of being chased by a giant crab all night. Makes observation about nightmares - you can't run from things in nightmares as you run really slow and the monster moves fast. No shit.
Dane Cook makes the sound of pages being flipped and manages to make it annoying.
Track 21: Hopped up on the Q
Everything is this loud incident. Obnoxious. Have I written loud enough in my notes?
Cook talks about snorting Quik. Explains a lot.
Observation: King of Frats? Dane Cook worshiped by frat boys as their God? I'm thinking yes.
Track 22: Not so Kool-Aid
Cook comment about how the Kool-Aid man must have debris in his head when he bashes through buildings. Mental image of that makes me laugh. Only real laugh thus far.
Rest of premise is about how Kool-Aid man hurtling through walls is not socially acceptable. Really?
Track 23: Pick a Number Please!
Talks about paper fortune tellers that little girls make. This is a closer? End.
Wait, actually a minute plus of just people clapping? Was that left on there to show you how awesome Dane Cook was? No, seriously, who the fuck puts a minute of applause in?
Track 24: Bonus Track!
Oh shit, a bonus track that is the longest track in the fucking album. Just when I though my nightmare was over. Cook talks about how he was hours late for a job at a video store when he was 19 after he made manager. Story might have been good in someone else's hands. Talks about urge to shit on chest of boss to make his future reference seem better? How is it that Dane Cook has the career he has? How the fuck did this happen?
Want Dane Cook to die in an accident in which my hands accidentally find my way around his neck.
How the fuck does he sell out Madison Square Garden? DIE! FUCK FUCKRRRRGGGGHHH
Conclusion: I not only now feel completely justified in my hatred of Dane Cook, but I feel that I am not hating him enough. The fact that he exists and continues to sell albums at record-setting paces is an abomination against all that is good in the universe.